Reasons for marriage

Traditionally, people marry in order to ensure more favourable conditions for the development of their offspring — although it may not be the primary purpose of all marriages.   Some spouses do not wish to have children and others – to their intense regret – are physically incapable of having them.

Importance of vows

But, although the traditional supports for marriage, such as solemn vows to remain together 'for richer for poorer, for better for worse, in sickness and in health' and 'till death us do part' are intended principally for the benefit of children, they can also help make both spouses feel more secure in their relationship.

Reasons for re-marriage?

Unfortunately this form of support often fails, however sincere the vows, and 'quiet despair' is no longer the preferred solution.   Divorce is common and the distress it causes may shatter the partners' outlook on the world.   Yet many divorcees re-marry and thus hazard their emotional tranquillity again.   Why?   What is it that motivates them?   Is it a wish to fill a physical and emotional void, to convince themselves that they can succeed where once they failed, that true love will overcome all difficulties ...?   

The search for a perfect formula?

The general trend away from marriage towards 'civil partnerships' and cohabitation, whether homo- or hetero-sexual, suggests that there may be a collective 'push' as well as the desires of the individuals to discover a new basis for durable and satisfying relationships.   

Formal contracts?

The weakness of cohabitation, as of marriage, is that many of the participants may regard formal contracts as a hindrance to true love.

What is love?

Unfortunately, no one seems to know what 'true love' comprises!   The romantic aura created by popular writers and advertisers over the last two hundred years has left us befuddled by the illusion of a perfection that never existed.   That illusion conceals the fact that sexual unions are primarily driven by biological needs.   Consequently, partners can easily become infatuated with the object of their desire and mistakenly conclude that s/he is perfect.

Infatuation does not – as so many of us learn by experience – assure a satisfactory outcome.   More often it leads to unrealistic expectations, obscured by complaisance and ritual.   Mutual understanding becomes increasingly difficult as earlier hopes of long-term happiness begin to fade.   The partners may come to realise that they are linked not to a real person but to the idealised image they have of that person!   They will be able to begin forging a truly satisfying relationship only when they recognise that. 

Intimate relationships tend to be more difficult than most, especially when some of the partners' interests do not coincide.   They may have unrealistic expectations of one another; what seems perfectly natural and acceptable to one may be extremely irritating to the other. 

 

Past and present

Although resentment at past behaviour may need to be taken into account, apportioning blame is futile and only creates another obstruction.   Life only goes forward.   'Going back to the way we were' is not an option.

One contract, or two?

Just as any long, arduous journey begins with a single step, so the formation of a satisfying relationship is more likely if it begins with a contract that is more explicit and detailed than those implied by traditional marriage ceremonies, for example.   Otherwise, each partner may be relying on a personally created contract that neither is likely to be conscious of!   
Traditionally long betrothals were probably intended to produce joint contracts freely negotiated by both parties, but it seems that even these were not explicit enough.

Negotiating a contract

The time spent agreeing a formal contract is likely to save time in future when, as is likely, one of the the partners, or both, encounters circumstances that are difficult to control and the contract should acknowledge that one or both is likely to alter psychologically and/or physically .   
Financial, domestic and social matters are clearly important, but other matters may need to be included as well.   Consequently the contract may need to include setting time aside in which to declare and discuss true feelings and thoughts without rancour — because undisclosed feelings and thoughts are like concealed explosives.
Such discussions would enable them to agree adjustments to the contract.   If they cannot find enough time for this, their relationship is at risk of starvation.   If the contracts are oral, they may need to be reviewed more often than those that are more formal.

Compatibility of the partners

It may well be, of course, that the initial negotiations for a contract will expose the partners' incompatibility so that they decide not to proceed with the relationship.   However great their disappointment, it is unlikely to be as great as the emotional void that can so easily open when persistent, unrealistic dreams are shattered.
The more realistic the contract, the more likely it is that hot blood will run through the channel of love than through that of indifference or hatred.